I have no idea where I am. I have been travelling away from Pack. Not to anywhere. I have not slept since I left Pack. Pointy tried to join me the first Set. I did not settle for sleep, and once she did, I left her, scent-masked, and ran until the sun rose many degrees^ later. I have not smelled her since. I have not eaten. I was intending to Walk. As this Sun rises over the river, I feel hunger that I decide to rectify. I cannot hurt Pack now. I am away from all dogs. I have been following the river downstream for want of a direction. The diversity of scents Outside is greater than I anticipated, even accounting for the barrier. For the first days, it felt like another bombardment but, as I have worn myself down, I can't help my interest in plenty of new scents. The salt is much less overpowering than it was within. I can smell fresh winds coming from the big-saltwater full of the scents of life and sleeping trees.
Having considered that I might not have to Walk now, my hunger becomes overpowering. As soon as I allow myself to consider fulfilling that hunger, I am hyper-aware of every animal in this landscape. The Rise hunting-degree is over. I would do best waiting for Set and using prey's over-reliance on visuals against them but the thought of having to last even through the incredibly short day that this world has in their Windy season seems impossible. I find a den of a small rodent^, fat and sleeping. I eat her without even waking her. I then am able to find a few careless long-ears travelling to the river to drink. Having taken their energy, I finally feel able to rest a little. I know I have barely denned with another Soil-dog in almost a season^, but I have never denned truly alone and I do not know how I could. Even when we were first in the human-settlement and Late First Eyes Runt^ denned in a different chamber, I could still feel her presence and knew I could be with something like Pack in a heartbeat if necessary.
I might as well continue down the river. As I get further from Pack, it becomes apparent that there is potential for me to have a life, if I can find a way to den alone. It might not be a real Soil-dog life, but I know I can feed myself and I can't let any-dog down. What started as me moving in distress and with no guidance from a notch, has become me following my nose and stomach. I have never considered where I would like to go, rather than where is best for Pack for me to go. Best for Pack is me going away from Pack but beyond that, it is my choice.
Revelling in unfettered giddiness, I follow a stream away from the main river for a little while. I should feel tired but I am feeling light and puppyish, so I don't notice the heaviness of my eyes. I catch my healing ear on a bramble as I squeeze into a tiny clearing beside the stream. It smarts but even that feels good. Dogs won't even approach me in future, I will never be able to let down Pack again. My hearing has not been as badly effected as I thought it would. I can hear though my directional control is next to nothing. I don't have the same clarity of sound, but I can hear enough to know what is happening around me.
In a shallow pool in the stream, there are sizeable fish, laying under the bank. I have never eaten a fish. Pack does not really eat fish. Well I am not of-Pack. I will eat fish. I scoop a fish as big as my head out of the water with far more ease than I expected. I rip their head off and eat the surprisingly fresh and delicious flesh.
Once I have eaten, I travel back to the river because I want to. I am now almost painfully full. I think I will have to sleep. I see an outcropping of rock. Under it is a space I could fit into and den. Nothing could approach me from there without me noticing, if I don't allow myself to deep-sleep. I have never been good at deep-sleeping anyway. Maybe one day I will make a den and then I can deep-sleep there. I scramble up to the nook, hauling my swollen paunch to a safe place to rest. I get comfortable and groom. I think briefly of Late First Eyes Runt and her attempts at grooming. Some Soil parent is training her right now, doing it better than I ever could. She will be more of a dog than I have been. I stop grooming before I have done every crevice of my body, because Pack will not be served by doing it the Pack way. I breathe the air, that no-dog has ever breathed and consider that while being alone is nothing I would choose, I could definitely be worse off, trapped within the compound with other dogs but unable to have Pack. I have barely had Pack for nearly a cycle. Knowing I can't have it is freeing. I fall asleep with the thought of deciding my own course circling erratically in my head.
I definitely have never had night-walks like that. Whether it is the fresh air, the lack of provision followed by a large amount, the limited sleep or eating fish, my sleeping was full of sensations and stories. I dreamt I was running from something. I was prey. The fear of constant pursuit. Then I was flying amongst the tree canopy and listening to dogs talking below. Then I swam away into the river and became a fish. The smells are ringing in my nose when I break the surface and begin to perceive the world around me. I did deep-sleep, well maybe I am safe enough in here. After all the animal that would do me the most damage is a Soil-dog and I am separate from them. The rock at my back feels so warm it feels like another dog. I have no need to wake for anything. I stretch and open my nose to the Damp-World.
At the same moment, I realise that the stone behind me is moving and that something smells wrong. Before I have chance to panic, I am overrun with responsibility. Late First Eyes Runt and Spotless are in the nook with me. Bouncy, Pointy and All-Spot are just outside the nook in the dry under the crag. I don't react. I accept. Soil wants me to remember what I am and fulfil my responsibilities to Pack, even if I am not of-Pack I must be for-Pack. I won't forget again. I check over the ever-pups. They are all beside themselves to be reunited, and hungry. Bouncy smells of everything, she must have led the pursuit. I set them up to hunt, they can provide for themselves, they just need to be reminded that it is an option.
As they race along the river in amongst the reeds to flush some game, I let the weight of Pack settle on me before I can join them.